I am not a marriage counselor, yet I believe I can share a few thoughts on marriage, having been in the school for 19yrs (Remember, one is given the certificate before beginning d school, because u'll never graduate. That's why u find people married for 50 yrs, & then d marriage crashes.
The wonder is that, while marriages break up everyday, people marry everyday. My associate minister (a lawyer) once shared about how a couple (and their loved ones) were jumping in jubilation in court after their 2 yr old marriage was dissolved (in a similar way they rejoiced when they were getting married).
As a young man, I read a quote, that "marriage is a pot of mystery: those inside are trying to jump out while those outside are trying to jump in." I think it's not really true. There are those inside that want to stay inside, not just b/c we have to stay but b/c we want to stay in & choose to stay in.
A sister said to me she was tired of her marriage & wanted out. I asked her to ask the ones out if they were happier outside the marriage b4 jumping out. There's an illusion that u would be happier divorced. Some statistics reveal that over 50% of first marriages end in divorce, 65% of 2nd ones & more than 70% of 3rd ones. It shows that when it comes to marriage, the more we do it, the worse we get at it (isn't that ironic?).
Though Solomon had over a thousand women in his life, he celebrated only one: the Shulammite - revealing the fact that it actually takes ONE woman to satisfy a man (contrary to a general myth that men are polygamous in nature and so cannot be satisfied by one woman). No wonder at the end of d day he said, "Everything is vanity (meaningless)."
Marriage works, if BOTH partners are willing to work at it. And like the best wine that was kept for the last, marriage gets better with time, as the couple understand themselves better.
Staying together however is not a sign of a successful marriage. Some couples are only together b/c of the legal implications of their divorce & the alimony they have to pay. Some others are still together b/c of d shame or fear of what people would say (especially if they had been advised against marrying each other. Others are only together as house mates just because of d children. I heard of a couple living under d same roof for 8 yrs yet don't talk to each other. They traveled for the same occasion to a town separately, and yet are staying under d same roof. That's not a marriage.
There are no hard and fast rules on how to make a marriage
works (as people are different, & so relate or express themselves differently), yet there are hints that can help, hopefully:
1) People that marry their friend are more likely going to be happier. While some would tell u that u would never know ur spouse until u're married, I never experienced that. Everything I saw in my wife after marriage, I had seen traces b4 marriage. And she says d same about me. We were friends for yrs. We went to d same school, attended d same church, read d same course, which brings me to another point.
2) There must be some level of 'flow' btw d couple. What do u have in common? You must agree spiritually, intellectually & socially.
3) Attraction is not enough reason to marry, b/c it wears off with time. It may bring u together, but it can't keep u together. Beauty is only skin deep. Remember, no beauty queen has reigned for 2 yrs. So, if u're looking for d most beautiful girl to marry, her beauty 'reigns' for just a yr. She may be 'disfigured' by pregnancy, childbirth & marital stress.
4) Communication is d life of a relationship. That's where marriages start dying from. They stop talking.
5) Reduce tension in ur home. Let there be joy & laughter. Let there be fun. Take things easy. Don't be too serious.
6) Respect & honour each other. I've seen where people keep celebrating someone who is rather despised & vilified by their mate. My wife shared about a beautiful woman married to a very rich man, who was never there for her. A man came to clean their rug and complemented her beauty (something she never heard from her husband). To cut a long story short, she ended up in d rug cleaner's home, abandoning all d wealth. That's why Princess Diana was happier being around an Egyptian Dodi Al Fayed than the Royal Prince Charles.
7) Get all the information u can about marriage. We were having problems in our early years of marriage not from d devil but from our ignorance. We were 'too spiritual' to discuss issues like sex - ha, when souls were perishing? But it degenerated to somewhat unhealthy experiences and near-embarrassing situations. Talking to my Pastor, he helped counsel me aright and encouraged us to talk honestly and sincerely to each other, and to read books. Things changed. We thought we were married to the wrong person, but no. We felt like going our separate ways b/c we thought we were a burden to each other, until we began to read, listen to each other and talk forthrightly. I particularly admitted where I had challenges and needed help. It helped!
Please, never take your spouse for granted. I've seen how widows and widowers keep talking about their late spouse (sometimes even after re-marrying), yet never showed that love when d spouse was alive.
8) There is no perfect marriage on earth, but we keep working at it till Jesus returns. Don't be deceived to think that other person would make a better partner than ur spouse. They're only nice to u b/c they're not married to u. They may not put up wt all ur spouse is putting up wt. They say the grass looks greener on d other side...
9) Make sure u're accountable to sb. There should be sb both of u are able and willing to listen to - a Pastor, a spiritual father. Pls don't just look 4 sb that'll tell u what u want to hear. Many homes have been destroyed by wrong counsel & demonic prophecies & visions (Like one I know where the man was told his wife - a born again, Spirit-filled woman - was a witch. He drove her out).
10) Be careful how u allow friends & family members to meddle into ur marriage. Sometimes in-laws can become out-laws, and must be placed where they belong. I know a married woman whose friend kept instigating her not to accept the kind of treatment her husband was dishing her. The man finally threw the woman out b/c of her naughtiness. Ironically, the friend is married today, while she is a divorcee. I know another woman (a widow) a couple used to go to when they had issues. The widow is today the man's second wife. Be careful!
11) Do ur best to attend d same church, so u can hear the same word, and grow together. This also places u under d same spiritual authority, for guidance and support.
12) Let forgiveness be the watch-word in ur home. No matter what, forgive. If u can forgive, u'll go far. According to T.D. Jakes, "Never make a permanent decision based on a temporary situation."
13) Never consider divorce as an option except if ur life is at risk or ur partner continually abuses or violates u. Divorce has far-reaching consequences, especially for the children. They have to relate wt each parent separately. According to Myles Munroe, divorce is worse that death. When pple die, u bury them & move on. But after divorce, u keep running into ur partner. It's terrible! So, choose to go the way of love. According to E.W.Kenyon, divine love has never been to a divorce court.
14) Establish your home on the Word. Let every decision be based on the Word, not tradition, not what they do in ur village, not what your pple say. Follow the Word. The Lord will help you. Except the Lord builds the house, they labour in vain that build it.
Trado => Inheritance: daughters of Zelophehad (Num. 27)
The Word => Married = One (Next of kin)
15) While money plays a part and can be a major factor in determining how happy a couple can be, money on its own is not the real cause of problems. Rather, our attitude towards money - the presence of it or the absence of it - is the real issue. Some relationships have been strained as a result of financial stress, yet, marriages have also broken because both partners had become too rich and too independent to listen to each other. Work out a financial plan that is acceptable to both partners.
16) The peace of God in our hearts is the umpire for knowing you are in the will of God concerning any relationship. Peace is not the absence of fear. Going into a new relationship gives u a little fear of the unknown, yet if there is peace in ur heart, you are in the will of God. God will give you peace in the midst of the storms.
"And let the peace (soul harmony which comes) from Christ rule (act as umpire continually) in your hearts [deciding and settling with finality all questions that arise in your minds, in that peaceful state] to which as [members of Christ's] one body you were also called [to live]. And be thankful (appreciative), [giving praise to God always]. (Colossians 3:15 AMP)
17) While it is possible to cook with basic ingredients, spices go a long way in making a meal sumptuous and surfeiting. So also in marriage, spice up your relationship with some little extraordinary deeds and surprise packages.
18) Don't give up on your marriage. Seek to improve it. It can get better. Keep working on it. In fact, the longer it stays, the better it gets because you come to understand each other better. The older the wine, the better it tastes.
19) Don't do things that will give the devil a foothold in your home. His place was not found in heaven (Rev. 12:8-9,12). Don't let him squat in your home (Eph. 4:27).
=> Pastor Bakare's mom: "The devil has no home, he seeks where to spend d night each day."
(20) Never compare your marriage, home or spouse to any other.
There will always be someone greater than you.
Yet, you have something someone doesn't have. Appreciate what you have now, knowing that it can get better.
The grass, they say, is always (or rather looks) greener on the other side of the fence until you get there. If you ask some people who remarried, they would have been better off with their former spouse.
While you can be inspired by what's happening in some other people's lives, don't fall into the trap of comparison.
"For we dare not class ourselves or compare ourselves with those who commend themselves. But they, measuring themselves by themselves, and comparing themselves among themselves, are not wise." (II Corinthians 10:12 NKJV)
(21) Marriage (on its own) doesn't have the ability to change anybody. Somebody isn't going to change simple because s/he is married. If there are things you can't stand during your courtship, don't think they're going to simply disappeared just because you are now married.
(22) What was apparent before marriage always becomes more pronounced after marriage. Now, they have settled down. There's nothing to pretend. They're not trying to woo anyone.
(23) Stop trying to change your spouse. Change yourself and your spouse will most likely change. You can only influence people to change but can't force change on anybody. Anyone convinced against his will is still of the same opinion.
(24) Be patient with your spouse. Give him/her time to evolve into that "image" you had/have of an ideal spouse.
(25) Prayer changes things. Prayer will change your life too. Pray always for your spouse.
(26) Don't allow the presence of children to come between you and your spouse. Don't allow them distract you or consume your time at the expense time with your spouse.
(27) Be open and sincere to each other. Honesty is a pillar that will uphold your marriage. Nothing thrives on lies. With modern beauticians making people up with false teeth, false eye lashes, false finger nails, we must be careful not to allow falsehood into our marriage.
(28) Admit it when you're wrong. Be ready and willing to apologize when you're wrong. "I am sorry" will do more wonders than proving your right or proving anything.
(29) What value can you add to your spouse? It's not just about money. Can your spouse admit s/he has become a better person since coming in contact with you?
(30) Don't stop doing good because your spouse is not reciprocating your kind gestures. You can't be wrong doing the right thing. God will reward you.
...nuggets of wisdom on marble. God bless you Sir
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