Marriage starts with two “selfish people” (who often are self-absorbed and self-centred) with different backgrounds and personalities. Now add some bad habits and interesting idiosyncrasies, throw a bunch of expectation, and then turn up the heat with the daily trials of life. You are bound to have conflict.
Conflicts are unavoidable, they are normal. Every marriage has its tensions. The point is not avoiding conflict but handling it equitably.
Please do understand that there is no one-size-fits-all approach always resolving conflicts as you may need to first understand the cause, source and nature of the conflict in question, but these few steps will help.
1. Knowing, accepting and adjusting to your differences.
One reason we have conflicts is that opposites attract. But then, the same thing that attracted you to that individual, after a while, begins to irritate you; “she talks too much,’ “he is too quiet for my liking,” “he is too stubborn,” “she is too out-going,” etc, etc.
What you eventually do is some compromise – understand these differences, and then accept and adjust to them. The quiet one opens up a bit and the talkative becomes more temperate.
2. Defeating selfishness (Phil 2:1-8)
Our differences are magnified in marriage because they feed our selfish, sinful nature. You need to deal with the basic human nature. Give your life to Christ, and adopt the mind of Christ – that attitude of humility – in you. If you can deal with selfishness in your life, your marriage will succeed.
3. Pursing the other person (Rom.12:18)
Living peaceably means pursuing peace. It means taking the initiative to resolve a difficult conflict rather than waiting for the other person to take the first step. It entails setting aside your own pride, hurt, anger and bitterness. I have had challenges in this area, because I felt I didn’t initiate the conflict, so I was not under any obligation to make the first move. But my brother-in-law, Teju, would tell his wife, “I am older, and more mature, and as the head of my home, it falls on me to make the first move.” Truly, whatever it takes to maintain peace is worth making the move. I had to change.
4. Resolving conflict requires loving confrontation
William Wordsworth said, “The one who has a good friend doesn’t need any mirror.”
“Open rebuke is better than secret love. Faithful are the wounds of a friend; but the kisses of an enemy are deceitful.” (Prov. 27:5,6).
Confronting your spouse with grace and tactfulness require patience, wisdom, and humility. Here are a few tips:
Check your motivation. Will your words help or hurt? Will bringing this up cause healing, wholeness, and oneness, or further isolation?
Check your attitude
Check the circumstances. This includes timing, location and setting (Shouldn’t be when your spouse is tired or in public)
Check to see what other pressures may be present. Be sensitive to where your spouse is coming from.
Listen to your spouse. Try to understand his or her view, and ask questions for clarification.
Be sure you’re ready to take it as well as dish it out.
Focus on the problem, rather than the person.
Focus on behavior, rather than character.
Focus on the facts rather than judging motives.
Above all, focus on understanding your spouse rather than on who is winning or losing.
5. Resolving conflicts require forgiveness
Forgiving means giving up resentment and the desire to punish. By an act of your will, you let the other person off the hook. Do this, not because your spouse does not deserved to be punished, but because you have the nature of Christ, and so are kind-hearted (Eph. 4:32; Col. 3:19).
Even when you feel that s/he is not sincerely repentant, forgive all the same.
And in forgiving, you must forget – which means you put it behind you and never bring it up in the face of a recurring conflict.
6. Returning a blessing for an insult (1Peter 3:8-9)
Refuse to retaliate or return insult for insult, if your spouse gets angry. Teju and his wife once had an issue where the wife blurted out in desperation, “In fact I regret marrying you.” He calmly moved towards her, held her in his hands and responded, “I don’t regret marrying you!” That was the icebreaker.
7. Removing the source of conflict
Sometimes it is necessary to make the sacrifice of letting go of habits, attitudes, relationships and issues that brew conflicts. Do it for your spouse's sake. Do it for your family. Do it for the sake of peace.
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